Stories: Family Edition vol. 1

I thought it would be good to give you all a chance to get to know my family a little better through having them share the past year in their own words. Grieving the loss of a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend looks different. Through each story, our goal is to give you a picture of how this year has transformed us. May you be encouraged by their humility and transparency as they share the pain of death, the hope Jesus offers, and everything else in between.

Here is Aimee's story:

Numb. Mad. Independent. Content. Exhausted. Hopeful. Depressed. Introvert. Prayerful.

Words that describe the last year of my life.

Each day is harder yet easier to get out of bed.

I was there when she took her last breath on this earth.

Grief is messy.

May 20^th, 2014 replays in my mind daily.

I watch each hour go by. Some days its minutes. Other days its seconds.

My tears are healing.

I have never felt such a longing for someone. I have never missed someone SO much. I know it is a feeling that will never be cured until I see her again in heaven. Leanne was my source of council. The one I could call. She always had the right words to say that would put my mind at ease. So needless to say I have a huge gaping hole in my heart.

I go to bed each night praying I will wake up from this nightmare. Praying for relief from this indescribable pain. Crying out to God “when does it get easier?” “When will it get better?” The reality is- it isn’t going to get better. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Life is just going to be different.

There are so many unanswered questions rolling around in my head-

•       How could she die so young? She had so much life ahead of her
•        Did he really need her more than us?
•        What is he teaching us?
•        When will life be good again?
•        How is he still good? Is he still good?
•        Where is he in my pain and in my sorrow?

I recently started seeing a therapist. She challenged me when I was struggling with these questions. She said to me “how do you think God feels when you ask questions like this?” I sat there and stared blankly. I have never in my life thought about his feelings. How selfish. I couldn’t answer. She then followed up with “what is God feeling when you feel mad, sad, angry etc?” I looked at her and said “I think he feels what I feel”. I picture him sitting next to me on the couch in that office, he’s crying with me. He’s mad with me.

She then read this Psalm to me:

Psalm 13:

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

    How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

    my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,

    for he has been good to me.

This scripture of lament captures my exact feelings.

Jesus wept with the weeping. He endured in his pain. He embraced in his death. And that’s how he showed his strength. Being weak is letting him be our strength. I may be wrestling with doubt but I am developing a deeper relationship with him.

In the last year I have chosen to wake up each morning and thank God for the breath he has given me. I choose to embrace each day with the strength that can only be granted by him. Just like she did.

 Every day is a day closer to heaven.

I know that he will stand firm on his promise that he is good and like Leanne said “God’s got this”. In the meantime I’m continuing to be patient. Clinging to his promises. Seeking him daily.

God. Is. Good.