Stories: Family Edition vol. 1

I thought it would be good to give you all a chance to get to know my family a little better through having them share the past year in their own words. Grieving the loss of a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend looks different. Through each story, our goal is to give you a picture of how this year has transformed us. May you be encouraged by their humility and transparency as they share the pain of death, the hope Jesus offers, and everything else in between.

Here is Aimee's story:

Numb. Mad. Independent. Content. Exhausted. Hopeful. Depressed. Introvert. Prayerful.

Words that describe the last year of my life.

Each day is harder yet easier to get out of bed.

I was there when she took her last breath on this earth.

Grief is messy.

May 20^th, 2014 replays in my mind daily.

I watch each hour go by. Some days its minutes. Other days its seconds.

My tears are healing.

I have never felt such a longing for someone. I have never missed someone SO much. I know it is a feeling that will never be cured until I see her again in heaven. Leanne was my source of council. The one I could call. She always had the right words to say that would put my mind at ease. So needless to say I have a huge gaping hole in my heart.

I go to bed each night praying I will wake up from this nightmare. Praying for relief from this indescribable pain. Crying out to God “when does it get easier?” “When will it get better?” The reality is- it isn’t going to get better. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Life is just going to be different.

There are so many unanswered questions rolling around in my head-

•       How could she die so young? She had so much life ahead of her
•        Did he really need her more than us?
•        What is he teaching us?
•        When will life be good again?
•        How is he still good? Is he still good?
•        Where is he in my pain and in my sorrow?

I recently started seeing a therapist. She challenged me when I was struggling with these questions. She said to me “how do you think God feels when you ask questions like this?” I sat there and stared blankly. I have never in my life thought about his feelings. How selfish. I couldn’t answer. She then followed up with “what is God feeling when you feel mad, sad, angry etc?” I looked at her and said “I think he feels what I feel”. I picture him sitting next to me on the couch in that office, he’s crying with me. He’s mad with me.

She then read this Psalm to me:

Psalm 13:

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

    How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

    my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,

    for he has been good to me.

This scripture of lament captures my exact feelings.

Jesus wept with the weeping. He endured in his pain. He embraced in his death. And that’s how he showed his strength. Being weak is letting him be our strength. I may be wrestling with doubt but I am developing a deeper relationship with him.

In the last year I have chosen to wake up each morning and thank God for the breath he has given me. I choose to embrace each day with the strength that can only be granted by him. Just like she did.

 Every day is a day closer to heaven.

I know that he will stand firm on his promise that he is good and like Leanne said “God’s got this”. In the meantime I’m continuing to be patient. Clinging to his promises. Seeking him daily.

God. Is. Good.

Stories vol. 4

I pray these stories encourage you to not take a moment or interaction for granted. Our stories have included those of a fellow cancer patient, a former co worker, and a mentor type relationship. Today, we hear from a complete stranger; someone Leanne met one time. Leanne was someone who did not take a single opportunity for granted. When she felt the Holy Spirit prompting her to befriend someone, she did. After you read this story, may you be challenged to do the same. You never know whose path you are crossing and the impact God would have you make for His sake.

Here is Kessia's story:

Dear family of Leanne,

I wish that I was one of the very lucky ones to say I knew Leanne really well. That we were really close and knew each other for years, went to college together, or something along those lines. But the truth is, we met once. Tuesday, June 11th 2013. And ran into each other two times after that in passing.

On Tuesday, June 11th, around 5:00 in the evening, I was there with my kids, my then 4 1/2 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old son at Miller Park in Eden Prairie. It was a perfect evening for playing in the splash pad and playing on the park. 

I remember noticing a woman that looked really close to my age, and looked to be sitting with her mother on a bench watching over the splash pad, they were chatting and smiling at each other. I remember this image in my head, because they both looked really relaxed, so comfortable with each other and really just enjoying the gorgeous evening. My kids had a bucket of toys maybe 5 feet away from them, and this cute little red headed boy approached them and picked up a bucket or small toy or something.  I smiled at them and said, "oh its fine!" They then asked me how old my kids were and I told them, they asked me if I did anything with the family center and I said "yes, of course!", we've gone though babies, 1's, 2's, and do preschool through the family center. I asked Leanne how old Leo was. She told me 18 months, but he was born at 32 weeks. I asked her if she was at the mother/baby center at Abbott to which she replied she was. I told her that I had just had a very complicated pregnancy, at my 20 week scan, my third child showed severe growth issues, low amniotic fluid, and several other issues. I was prepared to have to to go to the mother/baby center at Abbott and have my daughter in the Children's NICU, however, her heart stopped in utero at 26 weeks in April. She told me how sorry she was, and that she would pray for me. I remember thinking how amazing to have the courage to tell someone, "I will pray for you" after a 4 minute park conversation at the park. But I was grateful, I said, "Thank you, I really appreciate it, I miss my daughter very much". She then told me about why Leo was born at 32 weeks. I can't quite articulate how I felt here, I was at a loss for words, maybe it's because I had by now figured out that her and I are a mere 10 months apart and fathoming what she had gone through at nearly the same age just took my breath away. I think I uttered something like, "are you okay now though?". She told me that she was going through Chemo again but that this gorgeous day in June, she had gotten some really encouraging news. She was all smiles. Like, the warmest smiles that someone could have. I was so happy for her. I also realized I had read about her story in the EP paper, and began putting it all together. We talked some more about the family center, and Fran taking a leave of absence, how we both went to EPHS 1 year apart, we talked about Wooddale and Mops, which I had tried once 3 years ago, but felt out of place. We just chatted for a few minutes more about our kiddos. 

Soon, it was time for me to get my kids home for dinner.  I drove home that night, and looked at my 2 children here on earth, I looked to the sky, which I often do when I think about my daughter in heaven. And I felt blessed. So. Amazingly. Blessed.

I felt so thankful for what I do have. 

I was so encouraged by the strength she showed.

I got home and I began to google that story in the EP paper, I found the Team Chin blog that night and read it from start to finish. I began to follow her story. After every successful chemo or bit of good news, I was overjoyed. And I felt anxiety every time there was a set back. 

I began to figure out her family dynamics, and the closeness of the White/Miller/Euken family is something of such greatness. I could picture in my head the family gatherings filled with love, laughter, tears and joy. Greatness.

The second time Leanne and I ran into each other was very brief, it was at the Goodwill in Chanhassen a Thursday morning in either July or August. She happily pushed Leo in a cart and looked to be enjoying the Toddler Thursday as a momma with her son finding some 1/2 price toys. Just the two of them, out and about on a summer morning, being a stay at home mom. We passed each other, said hey how are you, good. But we unfortunately weren't able to talk. 

This is when I started to think that there was a reason for our meeting. I told other people about her. About this amazingly strong woman just a few months older than me and the journey she was on that I anonymously followed so closely. 

I have a strong anxiety disorder, I've struggled with it all of my adult life. I have panic disorder and hypochondria. My thoughts are obsessive.  I live full of fear and anxiety.

Yet again, in the Christmas season, somewhere around a week before Christmas, Leanne and I ran into each other at Kohl's. She was at the cashier checking out and I was 2 people behind her, she finished up, looked at me and smiled, we were about to say Hi, but another cashier opened up her lane and called me over to check out. By the time I was finished, she had left the store. 

I drove home that night, and since I closely followed her blog, I knew she was still going through chemo and yet here she was, so strong. 

I saw a Therapist weekly, I told him the next week about her. How there had to be a reason for our meeting. I couldn't believe that this was just a random thing. God was putting her in my life for a reason, showing me what it looked like to live for Him. While I am so consumed with anxiety and fear, I often feel helpless, but Leanne, Leanne was living what I fear so much. 

It made me think, what am I supposed to do now, what am I supposed to do with this? I wanted to be friends with her, I wanted to know her. It is pretty easy to see why, clearly. She was an inspiration, and I wanted to know her. I tried friending her on Facebook, but she never did accept, possibly not realizing who I was. After all, I knew so much about her and her really not knowing anything about who I am.

I thought about joining MOPS, now known as Mom's Connect in the fall. For myself, and with hopes to run into Leanne. 

She is someone I wanted to be friends with, to know, and become close with. She didn't really know me at all, but I followed her. I am amazed by her. She made me question how I live my own life. After watching the memorial service posed on Team Chin, I yearn for a deeper relationship with God. 

I pray for Leo, as many hundreds, thousands, do, that he may know the strength of his mother and for her love and Gods to clothe him with comfort. For Ryan, Chris and Fran. For Katie, Aimee and Tim and spouses and nieces. Stay strong.

God Bless you all, 

Kessia

Stories vol. 3

I pray these stories encourage you to not take a moment or interaction for granted. Our stories have included those of a fellow cancer patient and of a former co worker.  Many of us are in mentor type relationships whether we realize it or not. Whether you are the one giving advice or encouragement or on the receiving end, take a moment to read this story and be encouraged and challenged to not underestimate your influence the relationships God has placed in your life. May your life be forever changed by the faithful examples God has given you.

Here is Mary's story that she shared at a retreat she and Leanne attended together for the past two years:

A dear friend of mine and a Thirsty Heart Sister, Leanne White Miller, lost her battle with breast cancer on May 20, 2014.  She did, however, win the most important race of her life.  She is now fully healed and celebrating in the arms of her Heavenly father. 

I have a special gift to give in memory of her.  Some of you may have remembered that she gave a scripture board as her gift in the gift exchange last year.  I think we all wanted one!  I know I did anyway.  Well, we made one for each of you this year….when I say we, I am referring to the hands of Leanne’s mom, Fran, Leanne’s sisters Aimee and Katie, myself, Barb and Kristin Jackson.  The scriptures are from Leanne’s computer.  Fran had prints made for each of you.  This retreat was a highlight for Leanne and Fran was happy to do it. 

If you were ever in Leanne’s kitchen you’d see these scriptures taped to her kitchen cabinets.  They helped get her through each day.  She made “taking her thoughts captive” a goal, and if you knew Leanne, she fought hard after her goals. 

Aimee wrote on the bottom of the boards “God’s got this”.  It is a mantra her family recites again and again.  Leanne went into the hospital on a Saturday and died the following Tuesday.  On Sunday night she could tell by her families faces that they knew something she didn’t, so she asked them……when she learned that her body was giving up she said to her family “God’s Got This, It will be okay.”  Her faith was unwavering.  Not to say she wasn’t scared, mad, anxious and worried a lot, but God met her at those times and filled her.  She called the special things God did for her, “God Hugs”.

I first met Leanne when we moved next door to her family in 2001.  She was busy with high school so I never knew her well then.  I made jewelry for her wedding, saw her married and was kept abreast of her life through her mom, my friend and mentor.  In October 2011 Leanne was diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant.  She and her husband moved to the cities for better medical care and that’s when I got to know her well and was privileged to watch God work in her life.

I took care of her little boy, Leo (who was born in January of 2012), on Wednesday mornings so she could go to bible study and often for doctor’s appointments and treatments.  That’s when our friendship started.  We spent time together nearly every week.   I thought of her as a sweet sister but she would refer to me as a special aunt (I forget how old I amJ). 

Through it all, her desire was for God to be glorified.  He was….She was always eager to share God’s tangible presence in her life.  I’m struggling now as I keep writing all the things she did that were so inspiring to me but I know she would want me to share how inspiring God is ……so here’s my try:

•      I saw God meet her needs daily
•      I saw God calm her through prayer, and music and scripture and people and worship and His creation
•      I experienced God waking me a night to pray and the next day finding that it was a really hard night for her.
•      I saw God answer her little prayers, sweet hugs,
•      I saw a women bathed in God’s love – God kept her secure in His love for her
•       I saw a woman who experienced God’s presence so you could SEE it on her face and in her.  He showed her that He is completely trustworthy and when Satan tried to tell her otherwise, she fought him off
•      In the midst of her battle God gave her peace and joy, so much joy
•      I saw people come to faith through her life and her blog which openly shared her journey – the good and the hard
•      I saw a family torn by grief and bonded through faith
•      I saw God give her the ability to see beyond her circumstances and equip her to give abundantly
•      I saw God teach me so much about how intimate he can be, truly intimate, I saw it in her but I know I haven’t experienced it fully – not like she did – I was a little jealous for it
•      I saw God equip her to live each day fully – she trusted God’s provision
•      God continues to give her family comfort in knowing that their loss was not for nothing.  He brought many people to faith through her.  They still receive notes of thanks and hear stories of how her faith ministered to someone, someone they’ve never met. 
•      And they have  the gift of Leo.  He’s three now and a spitfire and a joy 

After Leanne died, her family found prayer journals she had kept since college.  They have been a sweet balm for them to read.   She began each with “Dear God” and ended each with her signature “Leanne Joy”.

I will share a little of her heart with you from one I was privileged hold onto for awhile – this was hers in the midst of her battle:

•      The day of her first diagnosis, Oct. 11, 2011, she wrote – “Father thank you that you are going to walk us through this.  Thank you that this is your plan and that you know exactly how it will all work out.  Father I am not strong enough to do this on my own and I thank you for the promise that you will never leave me and also for the people you have provided to walk this journey with us.  Lord you know what we need and you will give us just that.  Take away my fears father and fill those places with your grace and your mercy.  Do not let the devil have any part of my mind.  Hold us as we process this and let us look to you because only you can provide what we need.  Give the doctors wisdom and guidance.  Let his be part of my story and may I use it to glorify you.  Father I give it all to you.  You have the plan and I trust you with everything I am and everything I know.”
•      When waiting for test results she wrote – “I trust you and I know how big you are and I pray that you would let be remember that you are in control.  Calm my fears.  Take away my anxiety.  Hold me and let me shine your light through whatever the results may bring.  God I am so thankful for you and the fact that I know you.  Thank you for choosing me and loving me and carrying me through this.  You have the best plan.  You are bigger than all of this and I give it to you.  You are the only one who can handle it.”
•      Another sweet note to our Lord – “God you are so great.  I am overwhelmed by your love for me.  I am in awe of your ability to provide at just the right minute.  I am so thankful!  I praise you.  I worship you.  I rest in your never failing, never ending, loving embrace.
•      Her journal was peppered with prayers for others.  If you gave her something to pray for, she did.
•      On May 5, 2014, she wrote, “ People are so quick to give us credit and I pray that we would always be very quick to point it back to you.  God we have such a sweet walk and a sweet relationship.  I pray that as we continue this journey that I would always remain right her on your lap in the biggest squeeze with my arms around your neck.  I pray that I would not be tempted to wander.  That my eyes, would be ever focused on you and that I would remember what it says in Deuteronomy 8:3.  That I would remember that we don’t live on bread alone but rather we live on every word that comes from your mouth.  

On the day Leanne went to be with the Lord I received a text from a friend who was in a support group for women with, and survivors of, breast cancer.   She said, “the comfort club will be praying for Leanne from 4:30 -5:00.  Join us wherever you are.”  I learned, shortly after 5:00 that Leanne was in the Lords embrace at about 4:45.  She was in Ryan’s, her hubby’s, arms as he encouraged her to run to Jesus.

Fran said that after she took her last breath, she saw a smile on Leanne’s face and a tear down her cheek. 

Ryan and Leo moved in with Fran and Chris next door to me.  They are starting to think of setting out on their own.  It’s been a joy and a comfort to be together and I get to see Leo lots.  The other morning he said, “Miss Mary, are you pregnant”.  Ryan was mortified :)  I laughed. 

Pray for Leo.  He really misses his mom and still has trouble sleeping.  It’s been a hard journey for all but God has been more than faithful. 

Pray for the whole White family as they continue to grieve and miss their daughter, wife, sister, aunt and sweet momma.

I obviously could go on and on and I am prayerful that I haven’t forgotten anything God would want you to know.  

Love you all,

Mary

Stories vol.2

I pray these stories encourage you to not take a moment or interaction for granted. Our last story was of a fellow cancer patient. Today, a story from a former co worker. Take a moment to read this story and be encouraged and challenged to not underestimate your influence in your work place. Your actions point people to Christ more than you may ever realize!

Here is Ashley's story:

I met Leanne at Washington Elementary School fall 2008.  I was a graduate student, student teaching with her 5th grade teaching partner, Gerry.  Immediately, Leanne and her fellow teaching partner, Amy, welcomed me into their teaching world.  Together, they were quite the teaching duo!  I was amazed at all they knew about literacy.  Leanne saw that I was new to teaching, and was so encouraging and real.  She gave me hope and encouragement to try new things, and explained how to do them.  The teaching partnership Amy & Leanne had was one I can only aspire to have someday.

Leanne was very kind to me.  We talked about all the things we had in common - same age, both went to Moorhead to college - though she was at Concordia, and I at MSUM.  She talked about playing basketball with our mutual friend Debbie Slack.  She just welcomed me so much, in an environment that can sometimes be closed off to new people, especially student teachers.  She was the most welcoming staff member at Washington, and made me feel confident about what I was doing each day.  She wouldn't have had to of done that, but she did.  I was so grateful. 

Leanne was also so kind that when I finished my student teaching, she sent me EVERY file she had on her computer to help get me started as a new teacher.  From lesson plans to templates, these files became invaluable to me as I began my first year teaching the following year and I thought of her often.

Leanne gave me the opportunity to sub for her later that year.  I was so impressed by her organized classroom.  I remember she had a digital picture frame on her desk and how happy she was as she explained who was in the photos as they went by.

My time with dist. 206 was limited to that experience, but the impact of working with Leanne continues on.  I model my 4th grade classroom after what I learned from Leanne about reader's and writer's workshop and balanced literacy.  She was an amazing, strong, organized, gifted teacher.  She was top notch.  

I've followed the Team Chin blog from day one.  I should have reached out to Leanne and told her about her impact on my teaching career long ago.  I wanted you to know what an impact she had professionally, and how highly I thought of her.  

In addition to being a teacher, I have a 21 month old son, Dylan.  I connect with Leanne so much, and wish for your continued strength and faith to continue.  Her faith is inspiring to me.  My son and I have said many prayers for Leanne, Leo, Ryan and your families.  We will continue to do so.

Sincerely,

Ashley 

Stories vol.1

Before I get into a new series of posts, I want to write an update on Deb. Her PET scan came back negative!!!! We are praising God that there is no new cancer! She also had her port put in today and that procedure went well. She will start chemo next week. We are thankful for your prayers!!

Well, it is May. Only 19 days until we celebrate Leanne's heaven day. After Leanne went to heaven, we received countless stories of how Leanne impacted lives. As we remember Leanne's life and the impact it had on the faith of thousands of people, we want to share some of these stories with you over the next 20 days.

I pray these stories encourage you to not take a moment or interaction for granted. You never know who God has sovereignly placed in your path. May you be challenged to share your faith boldly. Let God use the hurts in your life to grow the faith of those around you.

Here is Amber's story sent to us on May 27, 2014:

I was not able to attend Leanne’s service this weekend, but your families have never been far from my prayers.  I had the honor of fighting breast cancer (later stage 3C for me) alongside Leanne over the last few years.  We met at chemo (thanks to Leanne’s mom) and cheered each other along.  A few months ago I emailed her with tears rolling down my face.  I was two years out from my last treatments and I confessed to her that I felt so guilty that my life was “back to normal” and she was still fighting.  She was so brave in her response to me – like she was cheering ME on!  She always put aside herself to comfort and support others. I visited her one afternoon and brought her lunch and I remember leaving her home feeling so inspired and comforted – and here I was there to do that for her!  I just can’t put into words how much she has inspired not only my cancer battle – but also my life and my faith.

Your post from May 19^th brought back a flood of emotions for me as just a few years earlier, in October of 2009, I wrote a similar message before my beautiful 6-month old son took his final breath after an unexpected and short (38-day) illness.  I know the story is not the same as Leanne’s and the circumstances are much different, but I’ve experienced having lost a child, trying to explain Heaven to a 2-year old and having to rely on faith, as if it was the only air available to breath, to keep going when things seemed so dark.  Even though we knew the end was near for my little boy, I asked my pastor about hope.  I said, everyone tells me not to lose hope, but what do I do when I know the end is near?  He didn’t skip a beat and explained to me what I wrote as my opening statement on Tyler’s CaringBridge that day… 

“We will never lose hope for our baby boy, but today we have a new hope for Tyler…  Our hope for Tyler is that of eternal life in Heaven.  An existence more wonderful than anything we could offer Tyler here on Earth.   

Today we pray for Tyler to have comfort from pain.  We pray that Tyler can feel the great love we have for him as we hold him close.  We pray for peace and healing of the hearts that are breaking as we prepare to say good bye to our dear little baby boy.  We pray for strength and wisdom as we try to explain Heaven to big sister Olivia. 

While we don’t understand, we trust and pray that God has a bigger plan for Tyler.  He is surrounding Tyler with His angels and will hold him close until he leaves this world in the next few days.
 

In sorrow and affliction, when the outlook seems dark and the future perplexing and we feel helpless and alone, these are the times when, in answer to the prayer of faith, the Holy Spirit brings comfort to the heart. It is trusting God in trial, in darkness as well as in light, it is walking by faith and not by sight; it is relying on God with unquestioning confidence, and resting in His love.

God Bless you and keep you, baby Tyler. 

We love you always,

Mommy & Daddy”

A few days later, Jesus took my son in his arms and freed him from his pain and suffering.  We left the hospital – with an empty car seat – and went home.  My 2 ½ year old daughter woke up the next morning and before we even had a chance to tell Olivia the news, she same into our bedroom and exclaimed that “Tyler’s walking!  He’s walking with angels!”.  She was adamant that she had seen her baby brother that night.  In my heart I know that she did – and it brings me so much hope and peace to this day.  It also gives me hope that Leanne will never be far from her courageous little Leo. 

Thank you for sharing Leanne and her brave, brave story with me though the Team Chin blog.  I prayed (begged!) for a different ending, but am inspired by your words and courage to trust in God plan for Leanne and each and everyone one of us.  I have a new sense of peace that if my cancer returns I will be okay – either way – because Leanne showed me the way. 

I will continue to pray for your families.  Prayers for unexplainable peace and comfort.  Courage and wisdom beyond his years for Ryan.  Prayers that Leo will continue to know his mother – in beautiful memories and in Heaven – just like my daughter remembers her baby brother. 

God bless you,

Amber 

Scan today!

This morning at 8:45 and 10:00 Deb has her echocardiogram and a PET scan. Please be praying for:

• Quick procedures 
• Peace for Deb during the procedures 
• The PET scan to not show any new cancer
• The echocardiogram to show Deb's heart healthy enough for the treatment the Dr's want

Thanks so much for praying!!

The Plan

It feels silly even writing that. Knowing full well that the plan will change at least 30 times in the next few months. But, we have a game plan and we are thankful for that.

Here is what we know:

• There was no cancer in the lymph node that was tested yesterday!
• Deb will have a PET scan and an echocardiogram (hopefully tomorrow) to make sure the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else in her body and that her heart is ok for chemo
• Deb will have chemo first, then surgery, and then radiation if necessary
• Deb will likely start chemo next week and will have 4 treatments; 1 every 2 weeks and then 12 weeks of a different kind of chemo
• Deb will have a port put in in the next couple weeks

We are asking for prayers for the following:

• Peace for Deb and her family & friends
• Wisdom for the Dr's and nurses
• Clear PET scan and good results from the echocardiogram 
• Maximum effectiveness of the chemo
• Strength for the long journey ahead

Appointments today & tomorrow

Deb had her first appointments down at the Piper Breast Center today. She met with a surgeon and had biopsies of the two cancer spots and a lymph node and should have the results tomorrow afternoon. She will meet with an Oncologist tomorrow at 3pm to discuss her plan of action.

We covet your prayers about the following:

• Clear, easy to read results of the biopsies
• Wisdom and clarity for the surgeon and oncologist
• Peace for Deb and her family
• A clear plan of action for the treatment of Deb's cancer

Courage

First of all, THANK YOU so much to all who have been praying! It is such a relief to know that so many of you are on your knees praying right alongside Deb, the Miller family, and their friends and family.

Deb's MRI today showed another little spot in her breast. They are not sure if it is more cancer or if it is nothing at all. However, the only way to know that is to do an MRI guided biopsy. If it is nothing, then she will most likely have a lumpectomy sooner rather than later. If it is more cancer, she will have a mastectomy. Right now the plan is that she will likely have surgery first so they have the full pathology report to help her Dr's decide what kind of treatment is best for her.

We are humbled by the prayers and support. Please keep praying for:

• Patience for Deb as she waits for decisions to be made about treatment
• Patience for her family as they wait for details
• Wisdom for Dr's as they make decisions
• If it is God's will, a clear MRI biopsy tomorrow and peace to accept different results if that should be His will
• Strength for Deb to fight the physical and mental battle that is cancer

My Bible study this week was about when Joshua was commissioned by the Lord as the new leader of the Israelites as they were about to enter the Promised Land. God knew the challenges that lay ahead of Joshua. He knew Joshua would face many hardships of leading a rebellious and sinful people. God knew he would face seemingly impossible battles to take possession of the Promised Land. To put it simply, God knew this was not going to be an easy journey by any means. But God's commission to Joshua was simple:

"Be strong and courageous, for you will bring the Israelites into the land I swore to them, and I will be with you." Deuteronomy 31:23

We tend to think of courage as an act of bravery or strength. Something we muster out of our own might. But the Bible paints courage in a different light. 

Courage: A settled confidence in the heart of a believer that God will be true to His promises.

Many of us are not leading a group of more than 3 million people into a land they would have to fight to conquer and claim as their own. However, we each face a battle every day. One that we would be a whole lot better off if we were confident in our hearts that God is true to His promises and that He is with us.

Take heart TEAM CHIN, He has been with us every step of the way thus far and will continue to do so. Be courageous.

Here we go again ...

We've endured more than our fair share. 3 1/2 years of cancer with Leanne. A brutal, painful, faith building journey that ended with what still seems like the worst possible outcome was God's sovereign plan since before time began. Months after Leanne's death, my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully, she had a successful surgery, needed no chemo or radiation, and was declared cancer free.

It felt safe to think that God would surely give us a break from breast cancer for a while. We deserved that right?! 

Last Thursday, Deb, Ryan's mom had a routine mammogram which revealed something suspicious. Her Dr. scheduled a biopsy and results would be in on Monday. Her Dr. called and said it is cancer. She met with her Oncologist and surgeon today at 4pm and here is what we know:

• Deb has HER2 estrogen negative invasive ductal carcinoma 
• She will have a MRI tomorrow (4/22) to give the surgeon and oncologist a better picture of what her tumor looks like
• Regardless of what the scan shows, Deb will have surgery, chemo, and radiation. We just don't know what order they will be in.
• Deb and her family are praying about seeking a second opinion

I wrote something similar when Leanne was diagnosed the second time and it is just as applicable today as it was then: 

God knew that this was going to be the news we heard today. He is not the least bit worried about what will happen in the next few days, weeks, months, and years. He has a plan for Deb and it is better than anything we could ever imagine. We are going to trust God's promise in this verse:

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Please be praying for the following:

• Wisdom for Deb, her family, doctors, and surgeons in making decisions
• Strength for Deb in this journey as she battles cancer
• Strength for her family and friends as they support her in this journey
• Peace to be abundant in the days, weeks, and months ahead

Why ...

I have been plagued by one question for the past 335 days.

Why?

I cannot find a rational answer that makes any sense. I know "...all things work together for the good of those who love God..." (Romans 8:28) But good would probably not be the word I would use to describe day to day life around here. So, in the midst of the pain, sadness, frustration, and grief the question of "Why?" still remains. Thankfully, God's definition of good and mine are not exactly the same :) 

Grief Share is an incredible organization which provides support to those who are grieving. One service they provide are daily emails to encourage those throughout the grieving process. The subject of my email one day was: What To Do With The Why's ...

“What do you do with the whys?” asks Kay Arthur after her husband committed suicide. She answers, “You have to lay them at the feet of Omniscience and, by faith, leave them there and say, ‘If You want to show me why, God, fine. If not, I’m going to cling to who You are and what You promise.’ When you’re asking why, and you’re in the dark, and you don’t have any reasons, you are to cling to Him in hope. He is the God of all hope. The thing that you have to realize is you are here for a much larger purpose than you realize.”

God has never promised ease in this life. In fact, hardship and trouble are actually promised. "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” (John 16:33) So, in the face of these hardships, I am challenged to lay the question of "Why?" at the feet of Jesus and leave it there. I will replace it with a prayer asking God to continue to show me who He is and what He promises. 

As many of you know, our grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a successful mastectomy. She is now cancer free! At the time I felt like shouting at God and asking Him "Are you kidding me? Haven't we had enough?" But once again God reminded us that He is faithful and sovereign over all areas of our lives. Well, we are about to enter the trenches again. And to be brutally honest, I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs again. But instead, we will challenge each other to lay the Why? at the feet of Jesus and leave it there. We will replace it with a reminder from Leanne that #God'sGotThis. 

Please be praying for us. Here are some specifics:

• Good, restful sleep for Leo
• Wisdom for Dr's
• Peace for our family

We'll update with some more info when the time is right.

Enduring

I sat in church yesterday and was struck by a point made about Jesus' example of enduring suffering and how it relates to our lives. Our culture tells us to suck it up, hide your pain, be strong, and just deal with it. The Bible, however, gives a drastically different picture of how Jesus dealt with suffering and how we should follow His example.

In the book of John, the author tells a story of Jesus' friend, Lazarus, who died. John 11:35 says that, "Jesus wept" over his death. Jesus, who was fully God, knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, still wept over the death of his friend. Through the example of Jesus weeping in suffering, I am comforted in the tears I shed over the death of my precious sister.

Just days before his death, Jesus spent considerable time praying to God. Matthew 26:39 says, "And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." Knowing the pain and suffering that He was to endure, Jesus prayed and asked God to take it away. But He also prayed to submit to God's will. Through Jesus example of praying in suffering, I am challenged to pray boldly for what I desire to happen, but to also pray for God's will and that I would submit to His plan.

As Jesus hung on the cross, Scripture makes it clear that He was suffering. Jesus didn't hide the pain or pretend everything was ok. Matthew 27:45-46 says, "Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Jesus was brutally honest with God and cried out to Him. I am comforted to know that I have the privilege of crying out to God in the midst of my suffering and knowing that He hears my prayers.

But the most comforting verse to me in the midst of my suffering and pain is Hebrew 12:2, which says "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Endured the cross.

Jesus was in excruciating pain. It was unbearable. The Bible does not say that Jesus hung on the cross with a smile on His face and pretended that everything was ok. Nor does it say that He downplayed the pain and refused to show any emotion to those around Him. 

In each of these situations, Jesus suffering was evident to those around Him. He cried out to God. He begged God to take the suffering from Him. He wept over the pain of losing someone He loved dearly. He endured it. He felt every sting of pain and sadness. He experienced the depth of every painful emotion and did not run from it.

So, if you like me, are struggling with real, intense pain and suffering this Christmas, I pray you will endure it as Jesus did. I pray you will not run from the painful emotions of grief. I pray you will cry out to God. I pray you will weep. And most of all, I pray you will ask God for the ability to submit to His will in your suffering. I pray your enduring suffering will cause you to run to Christ and rest in the peace and comfort He offers.

Jesus endured the cross "for the joy set before Him" (Hebrews 12:2). I am not sure what joy will come out of my suffering, but I am confident that God will be faithful to do so. And I have a feeling He will far exceed my expectations in doing so!

Even in the midst of suffering, we celebrate God sending His beloved Son to earth to bring us the hope of eternal life with Him. In your suffering may you find hope and comfort from this song:

He is the song for the suffering

He is Messiah

The Prince of Peace has come

He has come, Emmanuel

 Merry Christmas! May your Christmas be filled with the hope that Jesus brings.